How Can I Keep From Singing. . .

Recently, I lost my Ma....it's hard to put into words exactly how I felt about her or to describe what my relationship was like with her. My ma was my grandmother...my mother's mother. She was such an intricate part of my life, though, that life without her now just seems wrong, very unnatural. I miss her constantly.

Anyways, she had been sick leading up to her death, but it wasn't believed to be fatal. In actuality, her heart literally just stopped beating. BUT, she had been in the hospital for several weeks. The weekend before she died, I drove up to Amarillo to stay with her for the weekend...on my 2 hour drive by myself, I had lots of time to think and to pray...and one conversation I had with God went something like this....

Me: "God, I WANT my children to know Ma, especially A...she's named after her....I want her to know exactly how fantastic Ma is, I want her to have memories with her like I do...God, my heart is hurting at the thought of her not remembering her. I lost my great-grandmother when I was in the 1st grade and my memories are sweet but very limited..."

God: "Just take a deep breath and listen for awhile, okay?"

Me: "Whatever...fine." - as this point, I turn on my iPod, which is on shuffle...so the next song comes on....the acoustic version of Chris Tomlin's "How Can I Keep From Singing" As I listened to it, it hit me that the song describes my sweet A's heart...she is ALWAYS singing, she is always making up new songs, writing words to songs in her journal, she sings her dinner requests to me when I ask...but more than that, it's easy for me to see how she has a song in her heart through the way she dances through life with a smile and bringing smiles to others. She loves God's creation in nature, she loves art...it's all a beautiful song to her. So when I heard the words to that song, I knew that was a very unique and special way God had made A....the words go something like this...

"There is an endless song...Echoes in my soul...I hear the music ring...And though the storms may come...I am holding on...To the rock I cling...How can I keep from singing Your praise...How can I ever say enough...How amazing is Your love...How can I keep from shouting Your name...I know I am loved by the King...And it makes my heart want to sing..."

At this point, after my realization, my conversation w/God continues:

Me: "Thank you, Lord!! That is awesome...thank you for that insight into who my daughter is and how you have created her..."

God: "Hold your horses...I'm not done. Tell me right now who else you know that walks through life with a song of praise for me echoing in every single thing she does..."

Me: "Umm....." And then it hits me like a brick - my Ma...no doubt whatsoever. That describes her to a tee....

At that moment, I realize what God is trying to tell me - that even though A may not have Ma around physically for years and years, she and Ma share this very important gift and trait from God...that they not only share a name, but that God created them in a very similar mold...and that Ma will always be a part of A, too....all of this took place on Saturday...and Ma died on Monday. God gave me an amazing gift...a very special treasure that I will never ever forget....

And the rest of the words to the song are quite fitting as well...my Ma could have written this song, seriously...they go like this:

"I will lift my eyes...In the darkest night...For I know my Savior lives...And I will walk with You...Knowing You'll see me through...And sing the songs You give...I can sing in the troubled times...Sing when I win...I can sing when I lose my step...And fall down again...I can sing 'cause You pick me up...Sing 'cause You're there...I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord...When I call to You in prayer...I can sing with my last breath...Sing for I know...That I'll sing with the angels...And the saints around the throne..."

God is awesome.