My Sweet W

I am planning on posting some pics from our trip to Playa del Carmen last week, but this week, my mind has been on my sweet W.....

At W's 5 year check up, we had a very long conversation with his pediatrician about some unusual behavior we had noticed in W that I was particularly anxious about....he seemed to have alot of trouble with anxiety and dealing with the unknown..alot of fear that would result in what we refer to as meltdowns - where he loses total control of his emotions and of reality, most of the time. (Yes, I do know toddlers and preschoolers throw fits...these are not fits. I've seen my share of fits. These are "the world is going to end-loss of all control-I hate everything-I hate myself" kinds of episodes.) Since he was a toddler, we had also noticed strange things like a fairly intense hot/cold sensitivity and how he would cover his ears to shut out the sound of things like a public toilet flushing or the garbage disposal or buzzers at basketball games. As he has gotten older, we've been able to pinpoint that most of the time, the meltdowns can be associated with a fear of failure or a fear of the unknown. W sets himself up for failure because he expects to be able to do things perfectly from the get-go and if he knows he may not be able to do it perfectly, then he shuts down emotionally or he explodes into the outer stratosphere! He has melted down these last couple of months over something as simple as not knowing how to slip on the slip-n-slide he got for his birthday to going to tennis camp to running through a sprinkler at Grandma's that moved unpredictably.

Anyone who has spent any time with W knows this is NOT normal behavior at all for him. He comes across as a very affectionate, laid back, mellow kind of kid who loves people, who loves to laugh...he is not at all high strung and usually very easy going. So that's what makes these episodes even more worrisome for me...not to mention I happen to know that, as an adult, I struggle with control and with fear and absolutely don't want that for my children...I want it to stop with me, I guess. To see it in my child - I hurt so much for him..I worry that he'll miss out on so many wonderful things in life because of his fear or his anxiety...

So our pediatrician referred us to a developmental M.D. for an evaluation...and this past Monday was our appt. (We had to wait 3 months to get in, but I was relieved it was before school started!) Before the appointment, Hubby and I both struggled with whether to go or not...we love W so much just the way he is, the way God created him, and the last thing we wanted to do was to give him any other idea - that he wasn't perfect to us or that he needed to change. We were going to discuss specific episodes and behavior with this dr. right in front of him!! And we didn't want him to suddenly be labeled in some way that might cause roadblocks for him in the future...or to even be labeled at all!! All that we wanted was some insight into how his little mind works and some tools to enable us to help him deal with his stress and fears. Hubby wanted to back out...I was almost to that point...then we decided we would go for the initial consultation and if at any point we became uncomfortable or W seemed to get anxious during the visit, we could just call it quits and walk out.

The days leading up to the appt, I prepped W - told him about the dr. and how it wasn't a big deal, we were just trying to figure out ways we could help him not be so frustrated sometimes. We've learned we need to prep W for things like this, not just spring it on him - give him time to mull it over. 2 nights before the appt, he asks Grandma if he'll get a shot at the appt. She tells him no, that he wouldn't, he's just going to talk to the dr. Then, my sweet W - he says "It's not my fault I get frustrated, it's Abby's!" HA!! Yes, of course..it's big sister who aggrevates you most of the time, I'll admit it. She is a persistent little thing and knows just how to manipulate W until she gets her way. Gotta love those brother/sister relationships...

I know this blog is long, sorry! But we did go to the appt and it was a blessing...the dr. and her nurse (who happened to be a male nurse named Jesus!!) were both very kind and very sweet with W...and we were able to talk comfortably and openly with them...my fear was that they would get the wrong impression or not understand our concerns, but that was far from what happened. She said he most definitely was born with an anxious personality..but she did not want to classify it as an anxiety disorder at this point because it does not occur more days than it does not occur and it hasn't disrupted his school work yet (preschool)...she explained to us that his anxiety most likely stems from an extreme fear of the unknown - which she then tied back into the loud noises and the hot/cold sensitivities because these are unknowns for him. Also, the expectations he sets for himself are so high, she felt like we needed to learn as much as we could about perfectionism in children now so that we could possibly lessen the effects once he's in school. She gave us very practical ways to deal with it, how to lessen the power the anxiety holds over him when he has a meltdown, and how to prepare him for changes or unknowns that are coming his way...and that lots of creative playtime was the best thing for him because he can act out his anxiety (lots of Lego time! Woo hoo! W was happy to hear that as the newest member of the Lego Club..yes, they have a club.) She also recommended, though, that he be involved in some structured activities but only 1 at a time...so we may try gymnastics this fall. This would allow him to have to face some fears and see that they aren't all that bad, once he gets over the initial hump. We've seen that play out already in t-ball and in tennis camp...after he's done it, he liked it and had fun...but before he starts, watch out...

And in watching my sweet W deal with his fear - whether it's fear of the unknown or fear of not having control or fear of not being able to do something perfectly - has made me look at myself alot closer as well...and I feel like I've started a journey with God to explore these things in me even more than I ever have in the past - I've always just said "Oh, yeah, I have control issues.." and laughed and went on...but God has opened my eyes to see that while that may be the fruit on the outside, there may be more to the root and that together, He and I can get at that root...and my life and my relationship with Him, my children's lives, my marriage - all will be the better for it....